The Slow Digestion of The Pigeon’s Tail

Seriously – It’s a pet pigeon now. What the… It got caught in our netted vegetable garden that I painstakingly built over the summer with my son at a huge cost as I was annoyed over the high price of courgettes in Sainsbury’s. So we lost a lot more money by building it and by growing our own veg.

And well, the sausage dog attacked this poor bird by the tail and chewed it off. ‘Dad can we keep it? Pleeeeeaase.’ So this bird now sits in prime position in the kitchen watching us eat our dinner looking happy, happy that we are not eating her (as opposed to the sausage dog tucking in – further than her tail.

So the pet quota is as follows. That is two rabbits, a growing-a-little-too-quickly corn snake, a leopard gecko, one fish that somehow never dies in the fish tank that we never see or have time to clean. Not forgetting various trays and pots of escaping wax worms, mealworms, silent crickets (that now crawl around the house), and size 4 locusts. Oh yes and small rats called fluffies (frozen), that most of the time are fed to the snake. That is when 4 year old is not trying to feed thawed rats, or the pigeon to the dog that waits under the cage for a descending feather for a morning snack.

And now we have: yes because dad willingly and definitely want MORE ANIMALS in the house; this rather perky pigeon that watches us like tennis balls at Wimbledon as we rush past her cage on the way to school. All while busy at forgetting all manner of articles, like homework, sports shoes, a glove or dads keys for the car which he looses (most of the time and nearly always).

I am a human being, I think, GET ME OUT OF HERE! ARGGGHHH, just get me out of here; I beg please Friday Lighters.. help!

I think I am human – what is that? Another story.

And yesterday evening just when I thought all children and countless and randomly adding-to-the-home-zoo animals, had settled down for the night and it’s mum and dad’s ‘quiet time’, which is basically NEVER! I find sausage dog on – yes on the kitchen table drinking lemonade out of a nasty glass, probably washing down the thawed rats that my son likes to feed her.

That was yesterday, in between avoiding arguments, avoiding car accidents, avoiding having to do to much kids homework and spending too much money on wine and silly impulse things like magazines with plastic toys to make you buy them. But the wine was good choice- a crate from Majestic last week. Beaujolais Nouveau– very nice!

I am not a human because humans are clearly cleverer than to do what I do. I.E. being the perfectly sculptured twit when I know better how to live a life. And I lived a lot of them so I know. The school run got to me this week so we decided this week to sell the house. Yeah ‘sell it’ we decided, rather randomly too. But with great liberation over dinner, as we squeezed onto at a far too small table to sit 7 people while playing football with begging sausage dog underneath.

No, enough is enough and the house is going on the market right now (we instructed agents last night) as my life is too short than to waste it dropping off at three schools in the morning up at 6.30 am and three hours later I finally get to the office in a non human heap.

We’re going to but something else; yeah! Make on offer on the local Zoo! Life survives on spontaneity. If you don’t like it. Do something! Sell the house and bugger off and solve it. No moaning – just doing. I can be a human, I think, as long as I don’t think and do stuff. Remember this, just as the human action it is to save an animal like our bird.

If you love something enough, you don’t have to think about it. The less you have to think, the more you are in tune with your life.

Gotta fly, unlike Jemima can, yes that’s officially the pigeon’s new name. Keep you posted on the day we let her fly. That’s how I want to live, just do it and fly, if you love it, do it and STOP IT of you don’t. How did humans make something so easy so difficult?


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